First published in Live Encounters Poetry & Writing June 2020.
Thoughts
I never found my thoughts
poetic enough to be written
or fit for poetry.
I never found my feelings pure
enough to say something new.
If my thoughts were not meant
for poetry, is poetry meant for me? I never let myself
onto the page
in fear of not having anything to say
that was original or new
or something
anyone would want to read
because someone else had already said it
better.
Afraid of failure, I’ve disguised my words
in images and code-switching
in hope of making it more interesting.
And this
poem was never meant
for the page or to be
anything more than a forbidden train
of thought.
But here they are
for real and without filter, my words
my biggest fear
written down and presented
to you.
Decision
I chose the certainty of London
that spring would come
and summer follow
that it would be warm
that things might resume
quickly
I chose the everyday
to be with my books and habits
knowing it would advantage my studies
and coming back after leaving seemed unlikely
so I chose to wait
I chose not to return home
to the sea and rain
some days I wonder if I made the right choice
Home
I wanna say
I miss you
when in reality it’s the idea of you that I miss
I don’t miss how it rains all the time or how you’re a constant state of grey
but your sunny side
that you show once or twice a year, I miss
the cabin
a four-hour drive
away from trains, traffic and neighbours
I miss the mountains and forest. The cabin,
a sunny stillness guarded by trees and the river
glistering in the light of the sun
feeling like the rest of the world is non-existent
I wanna say I miss you
when in reality what I miss
you cannot provide
Lockdown
Phase one: March
scared and hopelessness
time slow
baking loads.
Phase two: April
enjoyment
time on hand
baking and planning
Phase three: May
happiness
mixed with anxiety
time speeding up
fear of going back
not wanting to go back
not doing enough
not relaxing enough
nothing is wrong
nothing is
why do I feel like this?
Phase four: June –
should I work harder?
will I be able to?
what if I fail?
what if?
what next?
the new normal?
Escape
Lately I’ve found solace in the arts
of baking
the precise science of turning banana into bread
and eggs into custard a sudden excitement
like most of Britain
I’ve scoured every shelf, every shop
looking for even a tiny bag, please – I don’t need much
using bread flour for cake
self-raising flour for thin pancakes
I’ve made cookies, cinnamon buns, chocolate cake and carrot rolls
cottage cheese no-knead rolls, quick-baking banana scones, plain buns and buns with custard
apple cake, cake with sugar, cake without sugar and two-ingredient banana cake
using skills
like planning and writing shopping lists
and scrolling for hours
I’m subscribed to the top ten baking channels on YouTube
and recreating food sensations from Instagram
spending all my time honing my inner Mary Berry
one might question the need to bake more than I have done before
within just a couple of months
and I don’t really know what to say
other than
would you like a slice of mango strawberry banana cake?